last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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