I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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