He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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