it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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