I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
