I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
