Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
