I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
