My first STD was from a foam party
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
