mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
