community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
