it was like his penis was on wheels.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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