and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
