i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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