if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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