somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
