WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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