My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
