she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
