I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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