I met the friendliest cop last night
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
