Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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