haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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