I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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