i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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