The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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