the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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