evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
