Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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