so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
