I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize