all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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