Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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