I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
