she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
