I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
