alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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