im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
