I want to make a zoo with you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
