I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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