Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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