If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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