I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
