My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
