I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
