i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
