um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
