dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
