1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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