I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
