First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
