Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
