Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
