what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
