i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
