I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
