Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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