FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Less talking, more tequila
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
