wrigley field is MILF paradise
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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