The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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